My teenage kids are miserable & he treats them like they are toddlers. I am a huge fan of Pandemic its a co-op game, so you play against the disease and work as a team. Overly forgiving and intensely devoted partners do not help their partners by taking their patterns personally and destroying their own confidence when they cannot control the outcome. Same thing with intellectual or cultural topics. Expect my son to mediate a dispute between my daughter-in-law and myself. But it sounds like dad needs to remove the ginormous stick from his ass and let his daughter fangirl. Do they really want intimacy but fear that their need will end up in entrapment? Theres forcing your kids to do something outside of their comfort zone, normal range of interests which I am ok with and then theres refusing to listen to music in the car EVER? If everybody liked the same things, the world would be rather boring. 1. Loved Jurassic Park and Baywatch of all things. Then Id tell you to keep pushing for her to spend time with you. I was an only child, so my moms attention was nice, but I do remember thinking as a child that I wished she was normal in that she was more like a mom than a friend. 2. Your well-intended desires to connect in rational and predictable ways gave way to superstitious behaviors: "If I just pay close enough attention to all the previous interactions, I can control the outcome by doing everything just right. Like making sure the sun comes up by accurately participating in the correct rituals. Ask the dentist: Why can some people not cope with the word 'fat'? Its not easy being caught in the middle, but its important to remember that you cant please everyone all the time. Its not rocket science. That being said, its important to have fun hobbies, and I agree with their is a balance. But yes, to all of it. Hilary Duff has always come clean about her parenting journey over the years. For starters, almost NONE of the things your daughter is a fangirl of are even vaguely STILL hot among her peers. You may need to have a conversation with your husband and daughter separately to get to the bottom of whats going on. If your daughter is still willingly doing these activities I dunno since most teenagers are rather bratty and self absorbed and not keen on doing things they dont enjoy Id hazard a guess she finds them more fun than you would like. My father did not indulge in those with me but we had a great relationship. July 3, 2013, 3:53 am, Music or even musical pop icons was, curiously, NEVER mentioned specifically by the LW. For every outing he chooses and she doesnt like, they should also choose something together that they can both enjoy (for example, shes into Star Trek and hes into science, so go to a space museum). Im sure BOTH the LW ~and~ her husband could benefit from those. And the activities that your husband wants your daughter to do arent horrible, they are actually really good for her. The dad is setting the tone for the relationship here and it is one of disrespect for anything that isnt your own interest and his daughter is probably picking up that attitude and acting in a reciprocal way. it seems to . bittergaymark Lily in NYC bittergaymark lets_be_honest But you know what? You shouldnt belittle her hobbies because shes more cultured than you , lets_be_honest July 2, 2013, 12:15 pm. And totally agreed on the book front. Hed come out and hit the ball or play catch or Horse. But while we would toss a softball back and forth to help me work on not flinching, he would let me rattle on and on about whatever inane thing had my interest (I didnt read much fiction, beyond Harry Potter, but I read a lot of nature books, so I would talk about whatever animal I had been reading about recently. This results in a reflexive coping mechanism that severely restricts their hopes and desires in life. I was born in 87 so grew up in the 90s, yet was still exposed to a LOT of 80s pop culture through reruns and radio and older peers. It can be tough sometimes, and obviously a lot funner to be the friend than the parent. Meh, I wouldnt call him a total jerk, I can see getting frustrated that not only does your daughter not enjoy the samethings as you, but now all of the sudden your wife doesnt either, just because your daughter doesnt. Then wed throw it back and go back to just hanging out. July 2, 2013, 1:32 pm. July 2, 2013, 1:27 pm. Neither father or daughter should make disparaging remarks about the other and you shouldnt make disparaging remarks about your husband. You are the only one who knows whats best for you and your family. The whole time I was reading the letter, I was thinking, Shit if he acts like this toward his daughter, how does he treat his wife? No matter what state the person is in, he or she may face criminal prosecution of drunk driving when behind the wheel with a confirmed blood alcohol content of 0.08 percent or higher as the national limit. And something about him wanting the daughter to be more competitive just struck me the wrong way. I see her occasionally, but she never stays long if her father is around. Essie I think you are looking at this through your own pov. Youve talked about this over and over and your husband still interrupts your conversations because they annoy him? She played Meribor (spelling.) It stated in the letter that the daughter does try to be accommodating. And thats always stuck with me, and I find myself thinking about it a lot whenever theres something I dont want to do but that I know is the right thing. (And those are two things I didnt care for as a kid that I really like now.) if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-4','ezslot_15',127,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-4-0');And since she loves you both, it can be tough for her to see you stay in a situation that makes you both so miserable. Ya know what happens when Mom encourages the relationship and Dad continues to belittle the kid? YUCK. Maybe even consider making those things, like hiking or whatever, family events, so that its not a choice between a fun thing with mom and a thing she doesnt like as much with dad. I think the good sign is that LWs daughters interests tend towards the geeky. painted_lady Heck no! Sometimes those things just happen. My best friend is in that episode! She may still resent her father and you! FWIW, I didnt get that vibe either, Fabelle. 2. And then it was like ok, you dont have to do that (not that I ever DID have to, I wanted to go, and then discovered it sucked). He should be talking to his wife about how he feels alienated when it is the three of them, but this is an issue between him and his wife. Think of it this way: the car insurance typically follows the car, not the driver. My ex-husband had custody for 6 1/2 years. One of the strangest experiences of my life was attending a Sci-Fi convention with her on a lark where we learned she is on a Franklin Mint plate!! Agree i cant imagine being receptive to spending time with my dad when it consists of him mocking what my 12-year old self likes AND assigning me reading assignments. But he never stopped trying, and even if I was a brat, he still acted like an adult and never sunk to my level. (I remember one long drive when i was little where we ran out of all other cds and they suffered through it for a little while and I was happy as a clam, but eventually they couldnt deal with it anymore). But every time they think theyve got it right, they find themselves, as if in a bad dream, back at ground zero, frustrated, undermined, and terribly confused. The kid keeps it all inside because she doesnt want to disappoint Mom, and the relationship with Dad dies. They clearly saw that parent as the good guy, and are unconsciously playing out the same part, unable to stop giving even when it cannot be reciprocated. The daughter goes hiking, but the father cant say anything nice when his daughter talks about her interests. He was much kinder to them.) Im not trying to argue with you Mark, I see your point and agree with much of it I just think its possible that the daughter is the one who introduced Mom to some of these things, and Mom became a fan. Actually, we dont know this girl but based on this letter, I think that the father is very concerned that she isnt well rounded. AITA for saying my husband's ex is interfering? You might have started asking yourself, Is this person taunting me on purpose? If not, don't let this spoil your friendship and do what you can to keep her busy with other things so that she has less time to focus on this guy. Ross was telling me the other day that his dad took him deep sea fishing a couple times when he was younger. Not seeing their daughters as people who can make good decisions. I notice my 14-year-old daughter and her 17-year-old brother, enemies of old, enjoying a detente in the TV room over Xbox and popcorn. They gave me a mixtape with a whole bunch of different Beatles on it, and I am still a huge Beatles fan to this day. Should A Parent Love Their Child More Than Their Spouse? I thought that was actually really funny. honeybeenicki Awesome show full of information. A parent who can laugh at themselves when they mess up, and teaches the kid to laugh at themselves and to see the humor without feeling attached is key. Instead of, I want you to read this by this day, and then well have a talk, how about, I found this and thought it was interesting. Other times, you may have felt you were doing everything right to get a predictable outcome, but your efforts were unproductive or even erased. Weird. Often, in their own backgrounds, they have seen a too-good-to-be-true martyred parent in a devoted relationship with a partner who would not acknowledge their caring. Parents can gaslight their children and definitely their daughters-in-law, whether they realize that's what they're doing or not. Settlers of Catan! Theres even more scripted shows re: that sort of thing. At that age when your self-esteem is barely functioning (middle school was a bitch for me and most women I know, even if you were cool and confident) I cant imagine how hurtful it must be for her to be mocked. And this is his responsibility too. Im a mom of a 14 yr old version of this LWs daughter mine is going to One Direction on Thursday, and will be spending all of Wednesday and Thursday both preparing for this epic event. My mom hated most of those things and really didnt make an effort to get involved. Without respect there will be no relationship. And yeh I hated going to home depot with my dad but I know a lot more about home maintenance than some people. Yeah the dictating that she cant even listen to songs sometimes in the car is way over the top. Im guessing that you probably make comments about him every so often to your daughter. We try to make it fun and do it as a family (not go to your room and read 3 Nat Geo articles and I want a full report) and often make games of it. I assumed it was more than just playful eye rolling because of the added detail about disparaging remarks. If both parents are making an effort to connect, I think 12 is an acceptable age to understand that things arent always about you, and sometimes we do things for other people just because we love the person if not the activity. I too liked pop culture and shopping and silly tv shows, much like my mom. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you navigate this difficult situation. (Though I do try to find the stuff I like the best of the stuff he likes.) (There was plenty of that too, but I felt like dismissing my nerdy interests hit the hardest because I felt like science-fiction, fantasy, history, video games and books taught me a lot of personal lessons about life, loss, and persevering. July 2, 2013, 1:12 pm, It wasnt deliberate. Help her get excited about the real science and history behind the fiction she enjoys. Youre bonding with your daughter at the expense of the relationship with your husband. And in the end its the time together, more than what youre actually doing, that makes the difference. July 2, 2013, 12:04 pm, If shes expected to learn to take an interest in HIS hobbies, its fair that the same be expected of him every so often.. How Do You Resolve Conflict Between Your husband And Daughter? Im not saying that to excuse the dads behavior if hes being mean, but if the LW truly wants to do the best thing for her daughter, she needs to do something that 1) Doesnt encourage her daughter to dislike her dad and 2) Actually makes him stop being mean, because what shes doing now clearly isnt working. Here are eight ways to tell if your partner is harming your relationships with your family. My dad and I developed a healthy give-and-take relationship when I was this age. I do that with everyone I know who likes baseball, which probably makes me annoying, but its what I do. I do think the LW should encourage her daughters interest in her father and her fathers hobbies, because I think thats good parenting in general. Im sure its frustrating for him, I just think hes reacting in a jerk-ish way. I just have to say, I have NEVER felt comfortable choosing what to watch on tv if Im in the same room as my dad because I know he thinks 95% of what Id want to watch is annoying. No. Buffy was popular in what, 1997? I wonder about the contempt or underlying sexism expressed in the fathers attitude. I think it still disappoints him that I dont enjoy it, and havent watched it all. July 2, 2013, 11:46 am. But that he made the effort to give me my interests. July 2, 2013, 1:01 pm. My interests are pretty close to hers (and yours!) if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2','ezslot_18',131,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2','ezslot_19',131,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2-0_1');.mobile-leaderboard-2-multi-131{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:15px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:15px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:600px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}However, when conflict arises between a parent and child, it can be even more difficult to resolve. You couldnt easily figure out what was going on, and you probably liked the challenge, so you became an eager relationship sleuth, avidly assembling clues that seem to make the next move more predictable. I would rock out to Tom Petty in my room while playing with my Sanrio boxes that were full of Lisa Frank erasers. July 2, 2013, 2:27 pm. Hopefully, when he sees that it's his entire family that is worried, he'll see that change is needed. For older adults, taking away their driving privileges can be traumatic and can even cause depression. It should be a crime to roll your eyes at Buffy. Heck, where would we be without Star Trek? Its a source of strength, comfort, and love. And since she loves you both, it can be tough for her to see you stay in a situation that makes you both so miserable. A: There are two things to consider here. Tell you daughter its important she spend time with her dad and why. However, he is an adult and should know that assignments will not help them grow close. He needs to learn to be a bit more respectful of his daughters choices and to compromise which would be modeling good behavior for his child to learn. July 3, 2013, 1:06 am, Honestly, no matter WHAT the mom was a fan of my response would have been the same. (I should note now that I have 2 sisters and a brother, but this is before the younger two were born. July 2, 2013, 12:42 pm. What if your partner rolled his eyes and engaged in ever escalating arguments would you keep pushing them together!?! I would have been crushed if he rolled his eyes when I was excitedly talking about something. It may take years and years before the pay-off is apparent. Your kid may not always enjoy the activities you make them do, but part of being a parent is helping them develop into a good adult. And its in your daughters interest to have a strong relationship with her dad. Its so easy to kill that spark in a child, well done to the mum for supporting her daughter in doing what she loves! Your email address will not be published. My husband has driven our children away with his dictatorial behaviour 04 May, 2019 01:00 You need to be gentle but honest with your friend about her crush MY HUSBAND is not an emotional. By keeping a few key things in mind, you can make headway in even the toughest situations. First, remember that it is normal for there to be some conflict between a parent and child. I dont get the sense that the dad is making any effort to get to know his daughter he just wants a reflection of himself and is acting like an immature ass in the process. Its rude for an adult to behave that way towards another adult, and its downright hurtful to do it to your child. Wendy, I too got the us against him mentality from this LW. I finally watched Firefly for the first time last night with my bf who has been begging me to watch it with him. But, of course, that would require HIM to take an interest in something his daughter likes in order to find that common ground. Even if you didn't start out as a control freak, you might have realized that you morphed into one. lets_be_honest LW, you should probably rationally explain to your husband that eye rolling is unacceptable. He's been this way for some time, so I suspect he will not change quickly nor easily. It must suck to have go some where with the two of them, and because your wife wants to be best friends with your daughter, you probably cant even talk with her while they are together. Ive seen a lot of mothers and teenage daughter relationships that are so close that the mother sort of pulls away from her husband. I agree, but the father didnt ask for advice, the mom did and we all know you can only control your own actions, so because of that, I think the advice given was spot on. July 2, 2013, 2:59 pm. I really think that both your daughter and husband need to learn compromise and I think you are in the very best position to teach this. Whatever the reason, an alcoholic father can be very manipulative and controlling. As your confusion increased, you probably felt a stronger need to make things happen the way they should, while your partner accused you of obsessively tracking his or her every move. Perhaps the suggestion of planning an event night or game night type of thing where each family member gets to plan one a week? But the most consistent and deep internal driver is the terror of being controlled. You know what, I thought you were going to lay in hard when I first started reading, and I was thinking to myself Oh fuck, hes going to hit on all her worst innermost thoughts and shes just going to run screaming away from DW but frankly, I think you are completely right. I dont think there is any one size fits all strategy. He's worked extremely hard for as long as I have known him, and provided a good home for me and our three children. Well, it made me sad that he didnt want to hear all about The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks when I read that. Obviously, this is as much your husbands job as it is yours, but right now it seems hes threatened by the bond you share with your daughter and is acting childish. No. Wendys relationship with her parents as a young girl feels ridiculously close with my relationship with my parents. They Dont Want Their Marriage To End Up Like Yours, 4. That doesnt mean she shouldnt modify her behavior, but her desire is understandable and its easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. "So last night, I did everything exactly the same way, but it was a disaster. Its a question many mothers ask themselves: why is my husband driving my daughter away? Another hallmark of BPDers is having such a fragile ego that their self concept is very weak, resulting in their having extremely weak personal boundaries. I desperately wanted to be an astronaut? Camping? Why cant he ask simple questions about what is her favorite episode and why? Who knows? I dont think the father wanting the daughter to broaden her interests is the problem, its the way he is going about it by demeaning her and her interests and trying to cram in his own interests. bittergaymark Seriously, this guy is an asshole. I had NO IDEA what that was, so I did the can-can. July 2, 2013, 12:07 pm. Hes embarrassing her. What?! The things she listed that her daughter is into isnt mindless pop culture. When crazy-making partners are not driven by malevolent motives, they are very open to changing their behavior if it is pointed out in a non-judgmental environment. Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. So as not to be hurt again, they simply avoid situations where they think they will need to expose their feelings or emotions. Yours on their own will just isolate her as, frankly, many out there find fangirls and fanboys annoying. When you are in the same space with someone who is watching TV all day or farting often or slurping their coffee or whatever, unless you get away from them you will most likely explode. Obsessed with dolls? So now our oldest daughter is 16 and . Apparently its socially okay to go to games and paint your face and do whatever sports fans do, but Buffy marathons arent. Its great because its competitive but also forces cooperation (you need to trade for resources to gain points in the game). Shes doing archery and piano, Id say thats enriching. I guess all dads watch that Wow, you just brought back memories! When combined with the eye rolling and disparaging, that all adds up to he isnt joking about it. If youre finding that your husband and daughter dont seem to be getting along, it can be a difficult situation to deal with. It has legitimate and, imo, unassailable value in sparking the imaginations and intellectualism of people. Its awesome to have your children engaged in the world (government, politics, history, etc). Making your kids do shit they dont necessarily like a lot is just life. By contrast, my dad wanted me to play softball and had no interest in the books I used to read. For me there were clues that it went further than that (the wanting her to be competitive and giving her reading assignments for instance), but its possible that because these are her interests too that shes being overly sensitive about it. You and your husband are partners and your job is to guide your daughter lovingly into adulthood, giving her all the tools you can to be independent, strong, and self-assured. I was saying thats debatable. I feel like the mother may be inadvertently teaching the daughter that its OK to make it all about yourself. Contact Us. But you do so at your husbands expense, your daughters expense, and possibly the expense of your marriage. Im still mad at my parents for allowing me to grow up without listening to Led Zeppelin. I love all things Hitchcock now, and not because she brainwashed me if she had her way, Id also love The Three Stooges and The Twilight Zone, and Im not nearly as crazy about those. Thats unfortunate (to say the least! He is, however, driven and self-reliant. If the individual is below the legal age of drinking at 21, the BAC level is usually around 0.02. Wow, Im glad Im not the only one whose beliefs on the cosmos/humanity have been influenced by Star Trek. I see it as a dad getting short changed and mom monopolizing time with daughter. Definitely. July 2, 2013, 11:03 am. If anything, his dislike for it will help it belong to her more fully as she learns to separate herself from her parents. Your biggest enemy when your spouse is driving you crazy is proximity. Because your daughter may eventually outgrow her fangirl phase, but if you do your job right, shell never outgrow being a strong, confident, interesting and interested person. But I do think, however hes approaching it, the dad needs to come from a starting place thats going to pique the daughhers interests. If the issue is raised during a child custody . MY HUSBAND is not an emotional man and has always found it difficult to talk about how he feels. Ive definitely think Ive learned more from my daughter than shes learned from me. Please implore him to realize that if one of your daughters peers was reacting similarly to her, the two of you would deplore that child as a Mean Kid. However, my dad, who had all daughters, liked baseball and basketball and he was an outdoorsman. Really so good and so true! Pull up plans of Serenity and compare them to the Space Shuttle. I know, Buffy was the weakest link in Buffy (is that irony?). And theyre relationship suffered because my dad never made an effort to step up and show interest in what he was interested in. Within a year of this, my dad became abusive. Courts take action when substance use, in the form of alcohol and illicit drugs, and/or misuse of prescription drugs actually hinders a parent's ability to care for their children or when the parent poses a danger to the children's well-being.